Beaten, Broke, and Blogging Bridesmaid

Hated Wedding Trends: Colored Shoes

Over done. Weird anyway, I could almost get on board to make my mother outraged, but not sure it is worth the embarrassment. 

I want in

Due to an upcoming move, I started researching some new bedding, light fixtures, etc for my home. It’s frustrating because so far the most overwhelming reasons to get married are tax breaks, 2 incomes, and the registry. Because a “cart” means I’m putting endless things I hope to afford into something I will not be able to return to, I decided to register. Options given: wedding, housewarming (not technically since the I can hardly demand a new couch from a friend for moving…), anniversary (is this really a registration?), baby shower, and RETIREMENT!! (don’t you have what you need if you’re leaving the work force?) Luckily, there was an “other” button. I am not even sure how to define my other. It also automatically assumed I had a co-registrant. I know its cheesy, but the best point Carrie Bradshaw EVER made was about registries. I refuse to buy really nice plates or bowls because I need to be able to have friends buy me back all the shit I bought them. In case anyone is interested, I’ve registered for a very nice patio furniture set at Pottery Barn, feel free to send my way. 

Hated Wedding Pre-Trend

I think UGGs has a lot of particularly useless items. I’m pretty sure I don’t need fur lined flip flops as that kinda defeats the purpose of keeping your feet cool…But now they apparently have a “Wedding Line”. I remember seeing in a Cosmo (don’t judge) years ago that men thought that the most unattractive ‘look’ they saw on the street was the skirt/UGG combo…I can only imagine what a man would think if he looked over and saw these dazzlers under an eight thousand dollar wedding dress. Runaway groom?

Have you noticed that bachelorette parties tend to attract a wide array of male attention? Including this man and his adorable shirt! Big weekend for all….

Bachelorette Parties

I honestly thought that I had the trump card on bachelorettes since I am attending 3 in a row this month (followed by a - holiday weekend - wedding of course), but a friend of mine just forwarded me this email and I am afraid it takes the cake.

So, as I’ve mentioned to a few of you, for my bachelorette and last weekend of single-lady debauchery, I have chosen to haul my friends and self to the land where dreams come true…

WE’RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!

And other places, i.e. Islands of Adventure where I plan on finding Daniel Radcliffe a.k.a. Harry Potter, etc. Currently, the weekend is tentatively scheduled for September 27-30 in Orlando, FL. We would check-in Thursday night, Friday do Islands of Adventure, Saturday do Disneyworld, and Sunday come home (mix in going out, eating, and possibly pool / shopping time). Since Dad is in the hotel biz, he is handling reserving hotel accommodations. In the next week or so I will need to give the Ralph-mister a loose head count and definite weekend. 

 If Sept. 27-30 turns out to be a bad weekend for everyone (I know many others also have extremely exciting celebrations on the horizon, weddings, babies and more babies!), I am asking for everyone to please rate the below weekends that work for them in order of 1 being best and 3 being meh, not so great. I will compare responses and figure out a plan B back-up weekend. 

 Aug. 24-26

Sept. 7-9 (For those who care: UGA @ Missouri OR LSU vs Washington in Tiger Stadium)

Sept. 14-16 (UGA vs Florida Atlantic in Athens, 2nd home game of season; LSU vs Idaho, 3rd home game of season)

I know you gals can’t make it, but I wanted you to feel included regardless! We’ll be sure to pour a little out for our homies who can’t be with us ; )

Here are a couple of things….Disney is not the land where dreams come true. Everyone knows that is Vegas. Please do not immediately start your hey ladies email with such a hideous pump fake.

Do not refer to your father as “Ralph-mister”. I can only assume you mean Ralphmeister, but either way. Don’t. Somewhere he is dying inside. Oh, and we get it, he’s rich and connected.

Do not offend me by pretending you care about football season.

On Formality

I generally have a stick up my ass when it comes to formality, because let’s face it- a drunk in a tux is more likely to get away with shit than a drunk in overalls. A cocktail dress has probably kept me on the right side of the law since 1999, so imagine my shock in learning that my bff’s future MIL wants people to feel free to wear shorts to their rehearsal dinner. It is South Carolina, not Calcutta - if the people of India could invent seersucker and madras to keep their legs from showing after 6:00 pm, I think you can handle it.

Hated Wedding Trends: The Theme Wedding

Snowflake Forest, Gothic Princess, Vintage Glam, Old Hollywood. No. This is your wedding, not your 6th birthday. The theme is is WEDDING.

Be more uptight.

I got the following email yesterday afternoon and will add my notes.

Hi loves, 
Don’t ask why I just thought of this (because you are in the car with your fiance on your way to see the rabbi and he is giving you shit about it) but I have only one request for our trip. I really don’t want any strange (gay?) naked people in our hotel rooms…I.e. strippers, just to clarify. If, by chance, we end up in a nude karaoke bar I am totally game (yeah right)! I just get really weirded out by strangers knowing were me and my best friends are sleeping at night (that’s not what you thought in college). Not sure if this was even on the agenda (it’s not, nor ever was),  but just had to let y’all know!  :)

Loves,

Bride

RIP White

I love white.

Ever since I figured out that white is the perfect complement to my insane tan, I try to wear as much of it as possible. I was made aware when, at the tender age of 3, I attended my first wedding. Now most of you will say that the white rule is off limits to children (why are there children at your wedding anyway?), but to that I say- you do not have my Aunt Cindy.

While I have never really understood this rule, I let it slide (at Aunt Cindy’s wedding, and the ones to follow). I only went to a wedding every couple of years or so, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. However, now that my entire social calendar revolves around my friends’ unions, I feel the need to point out that they also happen to be mostly scheduled during PRIME white wearing season.

First of all, why is this a rule in the first place? We know the bride is not a virgin, so making white off limits to the rest of us seems equally as preposterous. Is it so the groom doesn’t get confused and marry me? Is it so the wedding photographer doesn’t start taking tons of pictures of me with all of the bridesmaids? No, it is apparently in place so that I do not steal the show. First of all, good luck with that…but I digress. No one is going to mistake the girl in the white dress sneaking cigs in the bushes with the girl in the white dress floating around the room with the fake smile on her face. Unless it’s my wedding…then they will be one and the same.

What’s really pissed me off lately, though, is that now it is apparently unacceptable to wear white to ANY wedding event: the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, the bridesmaids’ luncheon, the bachelorette weekend (unless specifically told to do so, but that is a different post altogether), the kitchen shower, or heaven forbid the handyman shower…JUST IN CASE the bride decides she is going to wear white to any of these events.

Here’s a promise: When I get married I promise not to care if someone wears white, even if that someone wants to wear a big poofy wedding dress. I don’t care if someone wears a swimsuit to my wedding…because get this, I don’t care what anyone else wears except for me. Call me self centered….

As for now, I may just plan on wearing black to any and all wedding events. Period.